Remember Me
by NoblewomanMM
Summary: Urie Kuki's feels of regret about Shizaru Ginshi'd death are written in this dabble about the loneliness of staying when others have passed


Remember me

A/N: Not my best work, but writing was calling to me. Hope you enjoy a little sad dabble.

The weather was getting cold again. Unbearably cold. The wind swept up Urie Kuki's hair in a swift forceful movement, revealing more sensitive areas of his scalp to the weather. Despite this fact, as well as the lack of a jacket, the black haired man felt none of it and continued on his daily walk.

The man liked to have his alone time. Alone from his mostly new team, and away from the dingy place the CCG called an apartment. But there was one thing he could never leave behind; the memories of his old team. The memories always followed him, even on his daily exodus from reality. At times, they were overbearing and controlling, and today, it was no different. It was a constant battle in his brain, worse than any physical battle he had fought yet, leading only to a migraine and the feelings of helplessness.

" _Perhaps that's why I like these walks_." He grimaced as he sat down on a cold stone bench in a park nearby the apartment. " _Maybe I want to feel like this. I_ _ **deserve**_ _this_." As he took a deep breath and closed his eyes a darkness surrounded him. A darkness he couldn't shake. His heart began to race, so fast, agonizingly fast, as if it were going to burst.

He felt the weight of the man's body in his own hands once more, the smell of his shampoo and body spray briefly wafting through the air. The weight and smell bore down on him, if they were any heavier he was sure that his own body would collapse. Urie felt the warm seeping of blood onto his shirt, Shizaru's familiar scent became replaced with the smell of death. The new smell stained the air as if it were a poisonous mist. So much blood, too much blood, unable to recover. "THIS PLACE IS EMPTY. IT'S SO QUIET. I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED." His words funneled into his ears as if he were in that dreadful place once again. It resonated in his skull, like a song he could not get out of his head. It never ended, he couldn't get out. "Shizaru, you motherfucker. Why did you do this to me?"

"Urie?" A voice dragged him violently out of the memory he had been viciously pulled into. He pried his eyes open, finding himself looking straight into the face of his second in command. "Urie? Are you crying?" He turned his head quickly away from the girl.

"Of course not." He scoffed, "There is just something in my eye." He squeezed his eyes shut to keep anymore of his weaknesses from flowing out. "Why would I be crying?"

The man could feel Saiko's stare boring into him. "You said his name." She said quietly. "You said, Shizaru."

Urie could feel himself tremor. He forced the words through his teeth, "Why would I say a name like that?" He furrowed his brow, and threw a glance as Saiko before pushing himself off the bench and turning from her, as if he were about to continue on his walk. He just wanted her to leave him be, he could not bear to talk with her about him. Not now, not ever.

Despite her typically overly cheerful and carefree attitude, the woman's voice sounded distant as she spoke. "I was at his grave today. I thought he might be lonely."

"He isn't even there, Yonebayashi. I told you that. We all told you that." His fingers tightened into a hard grip. The black haired man could feel his nails piercing into the delicate skin on his palms. She ignored his words as she continued. "There were flowers on his grave. I don't know who put them there. But they must have been pretty at one time. They were dying now, though. Do you think it could be someone in his family? I mean his dad is dead bu-"

Her words brought a tremendous sadness over him. "They are dying?" The words had already escaped his lips before he could avoid the embarrassment. Getting the composer back in this voice he muttered, "I have some business to attend to." And left the girl behind. She called his name for several steps, but he dare not look back.

"Shizaru?" He spoke under his voice as he bent down to pick up the now browning flowers, and placed a new bouquet of Forget-me-nots, baby's breath and blue primrose. It was the same set as before, but the new flowers breathed life in a place shrouded in bereavement. He hugged his knees, he let the dead flowers fall between his chest and legs. "Why am I doing this? You aren't even here." He shook his head, angry with his own actions. "You aren't even here." He echoed himself as the wind blew off some of the dead flowers off the old set.

"Is it nice up there? Do you have to worry about ghouls anymore, or RC cells, or trying to protect yourselves?" He couldn't help but speak, despite knowing the man could not hear him. For the first time in a week he had to let it all out, just the same as the previous week. "We are doing fine here. Yonebayashi … she's picked up the slack. The rest? They are fine, I guess. Haise…he dumped us. Mistuki? Elsewhere." He laughed. "Funny, huh? You all thought I'd be the first to leave the pack didn't you? Who knew staying would be so hard…." His voice trailed off.

He couldn't even look at the grave as he asked the question he had wanted to ask since the moment Shizaru died. "Do you hate me?" His head was now in his hands, his ankles shook so hard he fell forward onto his knees. "Because…." He paused before taking in a sharp breath, "…you are dead because of me. If I wasn't selfish….if I hadn't pushed you… I didn't mean to push you. I just wanted…fuck I don't know what I wanted anymore. I guess I'm not good with this emotions shit."

"Just…" He muttered, as he rose to his feet, brushing off the dirt. "Just remember me. When we meet again, I will never push you, I will never manipulate you, I will be the better me that I never wanted to be back then. Just….remember me, okay?"


End file.
